


I can explain....

by Esyla



Series: You Don't Have To Be Insane in the Inquisition, But It Helps [5]
Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Alistair is surrounded by powerful women and everything is horrible and awesome, F/M, Funny sprinkled with emotions, M/M, Slowly Building Relationship, because i feel like it, stuff from solas romanc happening soon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-02
Updated: 2015-02-02
Packaged: 2018-03-10 03:37:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3275243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Esyla/pseuds/Esyla
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Inquisition institutes a buddy system because Blackwall keeps getting lost and Iron Bull runs off to fight dragons if not being watched. Cullen saves the day when his lady love needs him. Some plot. Mostly not plot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I can explain....

**Author's Note:**

> Not Beta'd. Sorry about that. Hope you enjoy the insanity that is this romp in Thedas. I swear I am getting to sexy times at some point. When I feel like it. Right now this is more fun.   
> Spot the TFS reference should be a game played in these fics......

Despite the fact that no one is actually there to watch Illya sucker punch the grand duke and give the empress and the elf a stern talking to before handing Celene a candy and calling her the ‘winner’ the whole court knows about it before the night is through. Also they all seem rather pleased with the development. The great game apparently allows for a fight in the garden and one arrow in the cake.

Cullen has finally fled from the swarm of suitors to a balcony to find Illya. She looks sweaty and messy. Her hair has come out of the styling and now looks tangled in the back and windswept. The kohl around her eyes has run a little and is now lower than it was. Her clothing is torn in places and she is bleeding on one of her ears. But she smiles at him.

“That certainly was something.” She never does things in small measures.

“I am surprised you aren’t a little upset with me.” Illya rubs one of her ears and frowns when it comes away bloody. “You normally start demanding people in plate mail the moment a serious threat appears.” Cullen pulls the handkerchief out of his pocket and wipes Illya’s hands before placing it on her ear and applying pressure to the cut to slow the bleeding.  

“You will have to forgive me for wanting at least five layers of armor between you and danger.” Cullen knows his suggestions still annoy her sometimes. They still fight about choices at the war table almost daily.

“I will consider it.” Illya leaned into him, resting her head on his shoulder. He always seemed to forget how tall she was. Or how tired she looked. Illya was nearly half slumped against him. She never got breaks. He got breaks. Cullen got to stay at Skyhold for months on end and read reports and observe training and just deal with people. But Illya spent her time running across half of thedas and closing rifts while fighting off cultists and templars and demons. She needed more nice things.

“You like dancing, right?” Cullen asked already knowing the answer. Illya had told him a while back that she found it fun, like fighting without knives and closer to sex. The things she said.

“Yeah. Too bad all I got to do was dance with a would be assassin.” Illya huffed into his chest.

“I think I can fix that.” Cullen pulled back and bowed.

“Best!” Illya walked into his open arms and even let him dip her before the dance was over. “In related events I demand we make progress on the issue of us being naked together.”

“I shall see what can be arranged.”

“I am not joking Cullen. I fully intend to bribe half of skyhold and lock the rest up if that’s what it takes.” He kisses her because otherwise the rest of the dance will be spent figuring out ways for them to be alone and he wants this moment. Illya just smiles for the rest of the dance. It’s nice.

“Only you could go to stop an assassination and come back with an apostate mage.” Cullen grumpled at the war table when they returned to Skyhold with Morrigan in tow. He remembered her. Not that he mentioned to the others about what had happened back in the circle all those years ago when the Hero of Fereldan had stormed in with her merry band of strays. Speaking of which, Illy and Ella Couslan should never be allowed to meet.

“I am collecting a full set. I have an elf one and a creepy human one and an army of them.” Illya ticked off her fingers as she counted.

“I would consider that a full set.” Leliana had been very craftful in her interactions with her previous companion.

“Yes well we are missing some one from the Qun.” Illya told them with her ‘trouble soon’ smile.

“I don’t think..” Josephine was getting better at not saying NO out right to their fearless leader.

“Yeah, Bull gave me a similar speech. An invasion would be required.” Illya waved her hand dismissing the issue. “First we save the world, then the mages.”

Three groans.

Illya is laying on the scaffolding Solas has set up to paint. She knows he is pouting but can’t exactly tell why. Which is why Solas is good person to deal with when pouting because you can just keep asking questions until he gives it up.

“Is it because we didn’t put out the fire?”

“No.”

“Is it because I didn’t support Bralia?”

“No.”

“I am not renaming the kitten.”

“Understood.”

They fell into silence then. Solas painting without really paying her any attention.

“Is it because he’s human?” Her voice sounds small and hurt. Well she feels that way. Sure some dumb people had been upset about it but none of her friends had been upset. Except for Solas, who had gotten more and more withdrawn in recent weeks. Solas sighs and sets down his brush and paints. “I know you don’t agree with his choices and have issues with the chantry and really dislike everything about their policies. So of course you could be mad more that it’s him than anything else. But…” Solas stops her by taking her hand.

“Lethallan, no.” He breaths slowly, rubbing his thumb across the anchor mark on her hand. “There are matters which concern me that I don’t yet know how to approach.”

“They have to do with me.” Illya guesses. “And the mark.”

“In a way.”

“But you are upset. And it’s about me.”

“Nothing you have done, I can assure you that.” Solas looks at her face for the first time this conversation and cringes ever so slightly. She wouldn’t have noticed if she hadn’t been staring so intently. It hurts to think she is losing her friend some how.

They had gotten along pretty well from the start. Solas was the first to believe her innocence and to support her. Not to mention he had been willing to spend hours answering questions about the fade and theories on the breach. He might not enjoy some of her antics or be fond of the other members but she considered them friends.

“Promise?”

“I promise Lethallan.” Solas smoothed his hand over the mark one last time before returning to painting. Illya decided to hang around for a while. If she fell asleep it was no ones business but her own.

“Just once I want to go rescue people some place warm!”

“I think there is a fish in my boot.”

“Or a bit of dead person still moving.”

*splash

“Oh goodie, more undead.”

“Alright, new rule. No pushing into the extremely gross swamp.”

“I can feel my armor rusting.”

“Has anyone seen Blackwall recently?”

“Um….”

“Uh…”

“No?”

“Okay, who was his buddy?”

“....”

“Cassandra, the official buddy list please.”

“Ugh.”

“Okay, lets see here. Today Blackwall was paired with… Varric.”

“What?”

“Dorian made today’s list.”

“It was supposed to be a joke about beards.”

“Well it wasn’t that funny Sparkler.”

“Everybody put your armor back on. We have a Grey Warden lost in a swamp.”

 

Report:

We found Blackwall. He isn’t too mad at us. Next stop the missing soilders.

Report:

Iron Bull made a new friend with one of the locals. I think they went off to smash rocks. Dorian is pouting about being ignored. Blackwall only hit Varric six times today.

Report:

Found the soldiers. I had to fight a guy to do it. I threw a knife in this throat before he could finish challenging me.

Report:

Everything smells like the undead. Coming home now.

Report:

Got side tracked out of the swamp because there was a glowy light. Mage started undead plague. We let Sera set him on fire. Or his body. Not actually sure how dead he was at the time.

Leliana didn’t want to open the last report in the bird squawking at her.

Cullen was surprised that he woke up to something other than a million tiny scratches on his chest. That quickly turned into panic when he heard crying. His movement to be horizontal dislodged Ser Pounce, The Dread Wolf and Hawk who were the most fond of trying to eat his hair while he slept. Illya was sitting on the end of his bed almost silently freaking out. He had only seen this once before and that had been the night before the marched on the Breach. She was crying but had her fist in her mouth to keep herself from making noise.

“Illya, what is it?” Cullen asks coming up to sit next to her. She crawls into his lap, folding herself into a ball and handing him a crumpled up paper. Cullen hasn’t seen her in her sleeping clothes before and a part of him in interested to find they compose of overly large soft cotton pants and small silky top. But other parts are more concerned about rubbing her back and trying to read the paper in the dim light.

He leans over and strikes a match to light his candle. Once his eyes adjust to the light he looks at the paper closer. The first part is in Elvish and he really doesn’t know what any of that says. But he can read the second part in the common.

The attacks continue.

We have lost several already.

There is a list of names that must be elves.

The keeper is wounded.

We don’t have the means to repel these attacks.

Send help.

Your brother.

Cullen turns the paper over to see that it was address to Illya in Elvish. He is guessing that the runner who got the missive took it to her first rather than Leliana to have it translated.

“Is your clan still in the free marches?” Illya nods and picks up The Dread Wolf who has started trying to climb her. “Stay here, okay. I will deal with this.” Illya nods again and then kind of just collapses into the soft spot in his bed.

Cullen doesn’t bother with the armor but instead pulled on just a cotton shirt and leather pants. Skyhold didn’t sleep, not really. People slept in shifts here so he had enough runner’s at his disposal to go find the numbers of soldiers or loyal fighters they had in the free marches. Leliana appeared at some point, joining him in his office going over the numbers and the maps. They could get soldiers to Clan Lavellan tomorrow with a few crows. The bigger problem was figuring out who had ordered the attacks. Eventually things got sorted out and Cullen realized it was now well into the morning.

Illya hadn’t come down so he went up the ladder to see if she was okay. Ser Pounce was trying to eat her hair but the rest of the kittens were now curled up around Illya who was asleep in her own curled position with his pillow clutched in her arms. It might be the most wonderful thing he has ever seen in his life. It’s like having a weight removed from his heart. Cullen lets her sleep and physically removes anyone from his office who speaks louder than a quiet tone of voice.

“Alright team, we have to go find and kill an albino tiny dragon to make Vivienne love me.”

“WooHHOOOOO!”

“Thank you Bull for always being down with dragon murder.”

“Everything smells like rotten eggs!”

“SHHH! Dragons!”

“Don’t start with me archer!”

“Dorian and Sera, opposite sides of the group now.”

“Aww.”

“She started it.”

“I dont care who started it, Cassandra will end it.”

“Um, guys?

“Yeah?”

“That’s not the dragon.”

*thunk*

“What?”

“I mean it’s a huge dragon and is probably a High Dragon. But it is most definitely not white.”

“YOu have got to be kidding me!”

“I am bleeding!”

“Dorian is bleeding!”

“Okay, yes my bad.” Illya agrees. “But lets not forget who charged the dragon without consulting any of us?”

“I am not apologizing.”

“Fine, go kill the tiny one yourself Bull.”

“Ugh.”

“Yes, what Cassandra said. No lover’s spat while we are covered in dragon blood and guts.”

“I am not going to be able to use this for the book. No one will believe the Herald of Andraste goes around murdering wild life by accident.”

**  
  
  
**

They are about half way to the Western Approach when Alistair straight up falls over in the sand at camp. The grey warden does tend to be dramatic but this is overly intense. Illya walks over and takes the message he had just received from one of the birds.

“The Queens is marrying Cousland somebody.” Illya is confused. “Why does this warrant death throes?”

“The Queen is marrying my brother in law.” Alistair tells the sand.

“And this is bad because?”

“Ella is actually going to murder the royal family when she gets back. For real this time. Not just the Queen’s father.” There is groaning in the sand. Hawke and Varric have come over to poke the man with sticks.

“Your wife killed the Queen’s father?” Illya is clearly behind on some facts.

“Ella Cousland is the Hero of Fereldan.” Varric begins “She executed him for being a traitor during the blight.”

“And her brother is now going to marry the Queens and that’s bad?” Alistair sits up, mostly covered in sand.

“Not the marriage part. That’s whatever. The problem is that the wedding will happen while Ella is off looking for a cure. Which means she is going to miss her brother’s wedding and then she is going to try and set Anora on fire for real this time.”

“I do not envy being stuck between the two of them.” Hawke goes for sympathy.

“ZING!” Bull calls out from the distance. Cassandra throws her shield at the Qunari.

“I am guessing they are not friends.”

“Even when they agree the shouting is enough to scare servants and soldiers.” Alistair sighs. “I am going to be in so much trouble. Andraste help me.”

“You know, I think Andraste might just add to the shouting.” Illya offered. Alistair groaned. Hawke sat down next to him and began brushing the sand off his face with a cloth at the end of his staff.

“There. There.” Hawke offers with a pat of his staff.

Cassandra was having a bad day.

“We are not taking it home!”

“Please!” Begged the Inquisitor.

“No.” Cassandra didn’t need this and the sand.

“But you wont have to take care of him. I will do it all. You won’t know he is with us!” Illya was now at the bargaining phase of her begging.

“Fine, but you have to explain it to the Advisors.” Cassandra relents. There is no point in fighting this any longer.

“Thank you Cassandra!” Illya turns around. “Dragon Dude, want to come with us and look at dragon bones in Skyhold?”

“Do I ever!”

“Cheer up Cassandra, at least she hasn’t found a dog yet.” Varric gave her a little pat.

“Give her time.” The seeker went off to tell the scouting party that extra food was going to be required on the return trip to Skyhold.

There was a bad guy speech coming their way.

“Why do they always monologue?” Hawke asks.

“We could try attacking first from now on.” Alistair offers with a considerate head tilt.

“While that sounds great its how you end up killing important people. That would make Josie mad at us.” Illya is shaking her head.

“Okay, but on the other hand, less evil speeches!”

“Hawke makes a good point.” Illya agrees. There have been an awful lot of evil speeches recently.

“Were any of you listening?” Asks the evil mage now controlling the Grey Wardens.

“No.”

“Sorta.”

“Demon Army!”

“I forget the question.”

“Why didn’t we bring Blackwall?”

“Has anyone seen any shade? I think I might be done cooking.”

“Basically Demon army of wardens.”

“Yes, thank you so much Inquisitor.” The mage smiles.

“I’mma deck you in the schnauze!”

“What?”

*crack*

**  
  
  
**

“AND THAT is why Vivienne was screaming.” Illya finishes her story about the sheer amount of dragon hearts left in the mage’s bed.

“Why?” Josephine asks out of sick curiosity.

“Well, Sera suggested it and then Iron Bull heard her so really there was no turning back after that point.” Illya swung her legs on the oversized chair. “Can I go now?”

“You are excused.” Josephine sighs as Illya jumps out the window rather than use the door. What’s the point anymore. Besides she has finally heard back from the archivist in the Free Marches and the link to royalty is proving to be true.

Hawke and Cullen get along great in reality. Mostly because it turns out they are both in relationships with well trained house cats.

“Do you ever come back to find dead things?”

“Yes! How often does he refuse to use things for their intended purpose?”

**“Daily.”**

* * *

 

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**Author's Note:**

> So fun story. I decided my Warden needed mentioning. I might post the fic I wrote about her and Alistair here too. Separately of course. But everyone should meet Ella and the true terror she possesses.


End file.
